| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2009|09:01 pm] |
You know the funny thing is that sometimes i get this odd feeling that were I'm at mentally is a punishment for all the things i did before. It's punishment because I did all those things knowing exactly what i was doing with no excuses. I assess each and every situation and make a decision it doesn't matter what excuse others make I made all my decisions for a reason. The funny thing is you never stop feeling bad for what the things you do. No matter how often you do them.
Either way I'm back from hell. I'm living a productive life and I try to be a good person each and every day. Not because someone tells me to be or because i have any kind of higher purpose but because deep down I'm a good guy and I try to live that each and every day.
Now that i figured that out about myself I've been spedning the last 2 years trying to figure out how to properlly live my life. I've been very focused on the present. Day to day life is spent much like my childhood was with almost no forward looking perspective. That's okay because I'm doing very very well for myself career wise. I'm not in balance though. I need to be better about alot of things but that will come i feel with each day of trying to develope good and lasting habits.
I'll start doing more mind dumps. I believe its one thing i have missed which is my innate need to be a auto-anthropologist. I need to always be cognisent of my own life and were its heading otherwise i sleep and I have always sworn that suburbia and the sleeping american culture will not take me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2009|09:05 pm] |
The end of every episode of lost is a bitter sweet montage. If you watch a bunch of episodes in a row. The whole things becomes way to forumaic. This guy must have read the "writers Journey" and never looked back.
Oh just noticed something else. All the guys in the show fight desperately for hot beautiful women. I wonder if they had been stranded with a bunch of less then ideals if they would be so crazy about them.
I spent my entire life being raised and believing that men and women were equal. For me that meant they were the exact same and that we were each capable of the exact same thing. I've found though now that men and women are two desperately different creatures. I have been spending the last 2 years trying to figure out exactly what that means. I know what men are but i have no clue what women are. Am i a sexist? What does sexism really mean?
My mother was like no other women in that respect. She acted almost like a male role model in my life. Very strong. Very hardworking. A decision maker and a leader. She always did her own thing and very rarely did the world get to her. That's beautiful i think but all the women that i know and meet these days are different. The way America raises their women is so strange to me.
Most older folks seem to have just accepted the difference. Maybe only age and expeirence gives a true perspective. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2009|08:49 pm] |
My buddy mentioned old school Koreans the other night. Told me all about their attitudes. The way they hold themselves. The way they handle life.
I treat life like its a game each and every day. I spend money, I joke around. I act like shit isn't about surviving and thriving. Instead i act like all the stupid rich kids I always made fun of growing up. I need to avoid rich people, they don't treat life with enough respoect and I am too suseptable to the lifestyle of others. I need to find the courage to make my own choices. |
|
|
| A Pact |
[Aug. 2nd, 2009|11:08 pm] |
|
I do believe I'm starting to understand what it is to make it through life by yourself. My decisions are my own and no one makes them for me. Still need people to help me of course but I hope that one day I can happily make a pact with solitude. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2009|02:41 pm] |
|
I hate repeating expierences I guess is my basic problem. If i ever get the feeling that i am doing something i have allready done I get this deep down resentment towards it as if its a waste of my time. Precious time that just seems to be poouring through my hand like grains of sand. Soon i won't have anything left. |
|
|
| Waiting... |
[Jul. 4th, 2009|12:12 am] |
I miss you. More then you know :) I especially think about you at night when i imagine having my arms around you and watching T.V. When I think about things i can do with you like cooking a meal, having a movie night, traveling to foreign countries.
After so long a time of being away I can't stand being away from you for to long. |
|
|
| Identity |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|07:11 pm] |
So here i am again a man compared to my 16 year old self who began writing here. Yet I have come full circle. I spend my days now considering my own identity. I feel life sucking it out of me like the sun sucks moisture from the desert. If i continue on this path i will be a dry old man. As it is now i am content scheming and thinking constantly. Every motion I make, Every word that escapes my lips has been carefully thought through. The world was rough to me as a child and so I learned to compete for survival. To rise above on the basis that i must defeat another thing, another idea. I thought this was what life is, a desperate battle for scarse resources.
The thing I failed to realize is that in honesty most people find balance in their lives. They don't strive to defeat others. They instead strive for personal stability and once they have it they settle softly in their great suburban palace. I on the other hand find myself now with a burning need to find other oponents to defeat, This must be why there was so much war. Males at my age simply strive to destroy and overcome. The thing is that life has become so much simpler. When you have less time to slide your hands through empty air you begin to focus on a few things. Most people my age i have found settle on a very empty meaningless droar of parties and sex. They all work so hard to look so good just so they can attract a mate. They are away from their families and lonely. I understand the sentiment. Working all day and not having anything to come home to is painful. I'm lucky in that way.
I still can't quite place my finger on the purpose of life. As an Atheist Its simply to lvie and enjoy it to the fullest of your ability. I have no clue what enjoying life means. I am quite lost in that sense. Since i lost my identity which, to be honest, was mostly a need to pleasure myself. People are very simple. They love fucking, security, expression, and moving (but not to much).
I can't quite put my finger on it but sex is overwhelming me but in a much more subtly way. Not like when i was a kid were it was a need and a thought but now its more a simple pervasive thing. There are no boundaries anymore. It just is. Do what you want when you want. The only thing that stops you is the individual your with. I lack boundaries and yet i am completely and utterly souronded by them.
My identity just feels torn. Two halves both facing the devil. :) |
|
|
| Happiness comes from the small choices |
[May. 19th, 2009|09:51 pm] |
|
So from my various studies into happiness over the last few weeks I have come to the conclusion that hap[piness is in all the small choices you make. SO with that in mind I am really going to focus on positive choices each and every day. Like working out and running. Like brushing my teeth twice and flossing each day. Like keeping my place clean and not letting dishes pile up. Like smiling and thinking of the good things in life. |
|
|
| Cincinnati What the fuck |
[May. 16th, 2009|03:03 pm] |
So what the fuck is with suburban Cincinnati? The only way that someone working in downtown can stay green is to drop hundreds of dollars on expensive rental real estate downtown. And serriouslly not a single fucking grocery store in downtown. You conservative fucks. You voted against a subway system for how many years in a row? No bike paths anywere? What about diversifing your industry? What about how you cluster your poor? You spent how much to build a riverfront that no one uses? You had race riots how long ago?
Serriouslly there should be federal laws agianst this kind of city planning. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2009|02:32 pm] |
My brother always says he would be happiest in the military serving his nation. I kinda get what he means. As military brats you sacraficed right along side your dad. He of course was doing the work and putting his life on the line but we were the ones being schleped around the world without friends or extended family to speak of. Like your life has some kind of meaning. Because of being a brat I feel like i have no urge to have kids or settle down. I don't feel to much anxiety with moving from place to place. I acctually kind of crave it. I also am constantly looking for a higher purpose.
End of day though as a military man you praboblly really feel like your serving a greater cause.
I work a corporate job and end of day I feel like something is missing. Don't get me wrong the work is very very rewarding and acctually allows me to utilize my thinking and logistical skills more then I could have hoped which is a blessing. The problem is that i don't feel like i am serving a higher cause. I don't feel like i am really bettering the world by doing what i am doing. I could go work for the government but honestly I have this nagging feeling that the government just wastes money and peoples time. No efficiency and way to much beurocracy.
I guess thats what i hate. The idea of beurocracy. I want to work with the best and the brightest. Hell i want to be considered one of the best and brightest. I also want it to be in a faster moving environment. Is agility and illusion? I guess i havn't really been in an environment were I've been able to observe and agile work environment in action. Maybe i am in a agile work environment and i don't know it because i've only ever expierenced agility.
The fact is though that i still don't know what I want out of life. Its good that i am actively out there trying things to see what fits me but i'm sad that I've only figured out things I don't want to do so far.
Maybe being a writer is what i need to be doing? I should try it. |
|
|
| perspective |
[May. 13th, 2009|09:04 am] |
So two points people have mentioned lately and that really stick,
1)Sean - My fun quotient is the same with or without money. Serriouslly it's the exact same. I have money now but i feel the exact same as I always did.
2)Trent - I've been struggling with the whole deal of balancing friends, family, work, self-improvement. There aren't enough hours in the day. So i keep my family talk to Sundays. I think i spend to much time on the phone with friends so gonna cut that down. There are like 2 critical people that I'll keep around but overall i need to focus more and stop wasting my evenings. With work i am doing fine accept for the fact that i always go to late. So no more late mornings. And Self-improvement will be focused on the GMAT and working out atleast for now. Local friends i have made a few and I'm happy with them only problem is they all are disperate and don't hang out with each other which makes it hard to keep up with all of them. On and on. |
|
|
| The first night i kissed Christy :) Memories |
[Apr. 25th, 2009|05:28 pm] |
| Current music: | Lost in Meditation - Track 2 | A moment, a moment, a perfect moment
A moment, a moment, a perfect moment.
Don't look back
three round around the grassy gnoll
the embers Die
a stick, its head, a silly jacket.
Their homeward bound
the darkness falls, a blanket
so warm. a dream then night.
|
|
|
| Value |
[Apr. 13th, 2009|09:07 am] |
|
Some would say there are many ways to handle a problem all equally as valid. As a man who values speed this is wrong. Why would anyone prolong negative feelings? If there is a problem confront it and seek a way to work through it. This I have found is the quickest way to get through confrontation. Well that combined with walking away from the conflict for just a little while. Heads must cool to think rationally. |
|
|
| A friend just posted this. Very very amusing |
[Feb. 20th, 2009|11:09 am] |
HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so
I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked
him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know
why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost
him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we
made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Airplane wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got laid. |
|
|
| Love |
[Dec. 28th, 2008|10:17 pm] |
|
Love turns to hate and hate turns to nothing. That is the way of things for me. Things get messed up though when I am not allowed to hate when i get pulled back to love over and over again. Just let a man heal by god. Let a man heal. |
|
|
| After 2 weeks |
[Dec. 22nd, 2008|11:21 pm] |
|
So I finnally figured it out. Why am I acting this way? Immature? maybe but i think I'm going through a personal struggle to reclaim my youth, to reclaim who I am. I don't have to be stuck up to be proffesional ( I can't even spell it right). I can have fun and enjoy life to the fullest without losing what I have worked for. I am motivated by all the various things i come into contact with. I get energized, sarcastic, loving. I become me and thats exactly were i need to be right now. Fuck school. Atleast for now. |
|
|
| 8:30 |
[Dec. 22nd, 2008|08:21 pm] |
Its always right around this time that life starts sucking. I don't know what it is but life can really suck right around 8:30. I'm all jazzed up and ready for a great fat and happy evening and then it hits 8:30 and life rolls down hill.
Hey atleast there isn't a god damned thief stealing my fucking gym shirt every time i leave my bag overnight. What the fuck is up with that. Who the fuck steals dirty gym shirts. This is the 4th one. I am going to put a fucking RFID chip on that shit. Fuck with a nerd i fucking dare you! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|02:40 pm] |
How is it that you can have the time of you rlife and all you want to do is be somewere else. In a lovers caress. in the longing stare of a womens eyes. What is success David? Why can't I achieve it? Were do I go for success? Harvard Law school? MIT? Stanford? senator? Business Man? I can be all of these things I have the money, circumstance, and the drive to do it I just need to know which one to drive too?
Middle class america oh how i dispise you. Why do I dispise what created me? I never understood |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2008|09:49 pm] |
So I had an absolutely incredible weekend. Thanks girl.
When you stare in the mirror what do you see? Who's that looking back at me? Its been 8 years since I've seen me. What have I been doing? Leading my own life. playing my own games in a world so strangely different.
Why so similar? Why is this exactly like me? 8 years and its as if I see me for the first time. We have had our own experiences our own lives completely seperate from one another. We talk differently. One is faster then the other. I strike at the mirror but it hits me first.
Why then do I look back at me? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2008|08:31 pm] |
|
Ok so life has hit a strange cross roads this weekend. Why is it that i get around army brats and I suddenly get restless. Its because they remind me that i am. This day to day living is really bothering me. It makes me angry over a longer period of time. And i really don't want to be in grad school right now. Its the god honest truth., Its a huge load of shit and just drains me. I need to get out. I'm trying to break the chains after only 6 months. What am I going to be like in another 6 months? or is this just momentary. Like a animal who suddenly sees daylight after a few years. Goes crazy struglling against his chains but settles back down when the light has been removed? |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|