| Waiting... |
[Jul. 4th, 2009|12:12 am] |
I miss you. More then you know :) I especially think about you at night when i imagine having my arms around you and watching T.V. When I think about things i can do with you like cooking a meal, having a movie night, traveling to foreign countries.
After so long a time of being away I can't stand being away from you for to long. |
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| Identity |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|07:11 pm] |
So here i am again a man compared to my 16 year old self who began writing here. Yet I have come full circle. I spend my days now considering my own identity. I feel life sucking it out of me like the sun sucks moisture from the desert. If i continue on this path i will be a dry old man. As it is now i am content scheming and thinking constantly. Every motion I make, Every word that escapes my lips has been carefully thought through. The world was rough to me as a child and so I learned to compete for survival. To rise above on the basis that i must defeat another thing, another idea. I thought this was what life is, a desperate battle for scarse resources.
The thing I failed to realize is that in honesty most people find balance in their lives. They don't strive to defeat others. They instead strive for personal stability and once they have it they settle softly in their great suburban palace. I on the other hand find myself now with a burning need to find other oponents to defeat, This must be why there was so much war. Males at my age simply strive to destroy and overcome. The thing is that life has become so much simpler. When you have less time to slide your hands through empty air you begin to focus on a few things. Most people my age i have found settle on a very empty meaningless droar of parties and sex. They all work so hard to look so good just so they can attract a mate. They are away from their families and lonely. I understand the sentiment. Working all day and not having anything to come home to is painful. I'm lucky in that way.
I still can't quite place my finger on the purpose of life. As an Atheist Its simply to lvie and enjoy it to the fullest of your ability. I have no clue what enjoying life means. I am quite lost in that sense. Since i lost my identity which, to be honest, was mostly a need to pleasure myself. People are very simple. They love fucking, security, expression, and moving (but not to much).
I can't quite put my finger on it but sex is overwhelming me but in a much more subtly way. Not like when i was a kid were it was a need and a thought but now its more a simple pervasive thing. There are no boundaries anymore. It just is. Do what you want when you want. The only thing that stops you is the individual your with. I lack boundaries and yet i am completely and utterly souronded by them.
My identity just feels torn. Two halves both facing the devil. :) |
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| Happiness comes from the small choices |
[May. 19th, 2009|09:51 pm] |
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So from my various studies into happiness over the last few weeks I have come to the conclusion that hap[piness is in all the small choices you make. SO with that in mind I am really going to focus on positive choices each and every day. Like working out and running. Like brushing my teeth twice and flossing each day. Like keeping my place clean and not letting dishes pile up. Like smiling and thinking of the good things in life. |
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| Cincinnati What the fuck |
[May. 16th, 2009|03:03 pm] |
So what the fuck is with suburban Cincinnati? The only way that someone working in downtown can stay green is to drop hundreds of dollars on expensive rental real estate downtown. And serriouslly not a single fucking grocery store in downtown. You conservative fucks. You voted against a subway system for how many years in a row? No bike paths anywere? What about diversifing your industry? What about how you cluster your poor? You spent how much to build a riverfront that no one uses? You had race riots how long ago?
Serriouslly there should be federal laws agianst this kind of city planning. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2009|02:32 pm] |
My brother always says he would be happiest in the military serving his nation. I kinda get what he means. As military brats you sacraficed right along side your dad. He of course was doing the work and putting his life on the line but we were the ones being schleped around the world without friends or extended family to speak of. Like your life has some kind of meaning. Because of being a brat I feel like i have no urge to have kids or settle down. I don't feel to much anxiety with moving from place to place. I acctually kind of crave it. I also am constantly looking for a higher purpose.
End of day though as a military man you praboblly really feel like your serving a greater cause.
I work a corporate job and end of day I feel like something is missing. Don't get me wrong the work is very very rewarding and acctually allows me to utilize my thinking and logistical skills more then I could have hoped which is a blessing. The problem is that i don't feel like i am serving a higher cause. I don't feel like i am really bettering the world by doing what i am doing. I could go work for the government but honestly I have this nagging feeling that the government just wastes money and peoples time. No efficiency and way to much beurocracy.
I guess thats what i hate. The idea of beurocracy. I want to work with the best and the brightest. Hell i want to be considered one of the best and brightest. I also want it to be in a faster moving environment. Is agility and illusion? I guess i havn't really been in an environment were I've been able to observe and agile work environment in action. Maybe i am in a agile work environment and i don't know it because i've only ever expierenced agility.
The fact is though that i still don't know what I want out of life. Its good that i am actively out there trying things to see what fits me but i'm sad that I've only figured out things I don't want to do so far.
Maybe being a writer is what i need to be doing? I should try it. |
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| perspective |
[May. 13th, 2009|09:04 am] |
So two points people have mentioned lately and that really stick,
1)Sean - My fun quotient is the same with or without money. Serriouslly it's the exact same. I have money now but i feel the exact same as I always did.
2)Trent - I've been struggling with the whole deal of balancing friends, family, work, self-improvement. There aren't enough hours in the day. So i keep my family talk to Sundays. I think i spend to much time on the phone with friends so gonna cut that down. There are like 2 critical people that I'll keep around but overall i need to focus more and stop wasting my evenings. With work i am doing fine accept for the fact that i always go to late. So no more late mornings. And Self-improvement will be focused on the GMAT and working out atleast for now. Local friends i have made a few and I'm happy with them only problem is they all are disperate and don't hang out with each other which makes it hard to keep up with all of them. On and on. |
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| The first night i kissed Christy :) Memories |
[Apr. 25th, 2009|05:28 pm] |
| Current music: | Lost in Meditation - Track 2 | A moment, a moment, a perfect moment
A moment, a moment, a perfect moment.
Don't look back
three round around the grassy gnoll
the embers Die
a stick, its head, a silly jacket.
Their homeward bound
the darkness falls, a blanket
so warm. a dream then night.
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| Value |
[Apr. 13th, 2009|09:07 am] |
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Some would say there are many ways to handle a problem all equally as valid. As a man who values speed this is wrong. Why would anyone prolong negative feelings? If there is a problem confront it and seek a way to work through it. This I have found is the quickest way to get through confrontation. Well that combined with walking away from the conflict for just a little while. Heads must cool to think rationally. |
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| A friend just posted this. Very very amusing |
[Feb. 20th, 2009|11:09 am] |
HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so
I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked
him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know
why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost
him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we
made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Airplane wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got laid. |
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| Love |
[Dec. 28th, 2008|10:17 pm] |
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Love turns to hate and hate turns to nothing. That is the way of things for me. Things get messed up though when I am not allowed to hate when i get pulled back to love over and over again. Just let a man heal by god. Let a man heal. |
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| After 2 weeks |
[Dec. 22nd, 2008|11:21 pm] |
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So I finnally figured it out. Why am I acting this way? Immature? maybe but i think I'm going through a personal struggle to reclaim my youth, to reclaim who I am. I don't have to be stuck up to be proffesional ( I can't even spell it right). I can have fun and enjoy life to the fullest without losing what I have worked for. I am motivated by all the various things i come into contact with. I get energized, sarcastic, loving. I become me and thats exactly were i need to be right now. Fuck school. Atleast for now. |
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| 8:30 |
[Dec. 22nd, 2008|08:21 pm] |
Its always right around this time that life starts sucking. I don't know what it is but life can really suck right around 8:30. I'm all jazzed up and ready for a great fat and happy evening and then it hits 8:30 and life rolls down hill.
Hey atleast there isn't a god damned thief stealing my fucking gym shirt every time i leave my bag overnight. What the fuck is up with that. Who the fuck steals dirty gym shirts. This is the 4th one. I am going to put a fucking RFID chip on that shit. Fuck with a nerd i fucking dare you! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|02:40 pm] |
How is it that you can have the time of you rlife and all you want to do is be somewere else. In a lovers caress. in the longing stare of a womens eyes. What is success David? Why can't I achieve it? Were do I go for success? Harvard Law school? MIT? Stanford? senator? Business Man? I can be all of these things I have the money, circumstance, and the drive to do it I just need to know which one to drive too?
Middle class america oh how i dispise you. Why do I dispise what created me? I never understood |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2008|09:49 pm] |
So I had an absolutely incredible weekend. Thanks girl.
When you stare in the mirror what do you see? Who's that looking back at me? Its been 8 years since I've seen me. What have I been doing? Leading my own life. playing my own games in a world so strangely different.
Why so similar? Why is this exactly like me? 8 years and its as if I see me for the first time. We have had our own experiences our own lives completely seperate from one another. We talk differently. One is faster then the other. I strike at the mirror but it hits me first.
Why then do I look back at me? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2008|08:31 pm] |
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Ok so life has hit a strange cross roads this weekend. Why is it that i get around army brats and I suddenly get restless. Its because they remind me that i am. This day to day living is really bothering me. It makes me angry over a longer period of time. And i really don't want to be in grad school right now. Its the god honest truth., Its a huge load of shit and just drains me. I need to get out. I'm trying to break the chains after only 6 months. What am I going to be like in another 6 months? or is this just momentary. Like a animal who suddenly sees daylight after a few years. Goes crazy struglling against his chains but settles back down when the light has been removed? |
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| Going insane |
[Dec. 9th, 2008|08:59 pm] |
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I'm drowning in alot of fucked up emotions. Why can't i accept change? I always tell my peeps that it doesn't matter how long someone has been away from me its like it was yesturday when i see someone. I used to think that was a positive but i am starting to realize that its a strange sort of fucked up. Everyone else moves on. Everyone else has a seperation period. Everyone else gets estranged to old friends. Why is it that thats not the case for me? Why don't i forget. Why don't i get seperation anxiety? Why do I always think that things will always be the same? I always do this and I never learn. I guess i know whats coming though. I always cry the day of a big change. I cried when I left ASMS that last day. I cried when i graduated. I cried when i left germany. Its funny the only times i have ever cried are when I realize my life is about to change. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2008|09:41 pm] |
All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move. ~Old Ben
Children are very hard flames to ignite but once caught they will burn for a lifetime, burning and changing anything they touch. ~Haplo
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2008|09:42 pm] |
Its strange but this little propaganda really touched me. Its not that I don't think what these soldiers are going through is heroic. It is. The thing is I don't think they should be going through it all. Make foreign wars completely voluntary. Otherwise create a much more powerful national guard. Then all those "heroic" soldiers have nothing to bitch about anymore. They are in war zones because they want to be. Right now though I just think of my Dad and all the hard work he put himself through and still puts himself through.
You stay up for 16 hours
He stays up for days on end.
____________________________________________________
You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.
____________________________________________________
You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.
____________________________________________________
You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.
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You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.
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Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
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You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
____________________________________________________
You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
____________________________________________________
You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
____________________________________________________
You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.
____________________________________________________
You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.
____________________________________________________
You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told even if it puts his life in danger.
____________________________________________________
You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.
____________________________________________________
You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.
____________________________________________________
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.
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You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.
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You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.
____________________________________________________
You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.
____________________________________________________
You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.
____________________________________________________
You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.
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You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.
____________________________________________________
If you support your troops, re-post this with in your journal as "military life"
If you don't support your troops well, then don't re-post
Support Our Troops
We need all we can get, thanks |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2008|07:17 pm] |
Just been gettin into the whole youtube phenomenon. Did you know that some of the most popular videos are video bloggers. Not any video bloggers but chicks with big breasts seem to be the main venue. One(LG15) even got her own T.V. spot on Greek. I wonder who their audience is? I see it like porn. Really why do we watch porn? to wank off and feel less lonely. I wonder if this is the same thing with girls online? Does it make us feel like we're connecting with a real women.
Ah well I guess its jealousy in the end. If only guys could get the kind of attention women do but i guess that's just the way of it then. You live high when your young and get tons of attention when your boobs are still perky and things just die down as you get older. Funny thing is love never does. It doesn't matter how old she gets you always love her in some ways. Its weird how the years have changed that. Its been like 8-10 years now and I still think about her. I still talk to her on occasion. But why is that?
I used to wonder and fight it but i find things like that never fade and its better just to embrace and make it part of yourself. It reminds me of Wonder Years where Kevin and Winnie write to each other every week for the eight years after she leaves for France to study art history. When she returns, Kevin is married and has a son. Kevin realizes that nothing turns out how you plan, but that his memories of childhood will be with him forever. Those last words sometimes resurface and cause me a lot of sadness.
Did i mention i am obsessed with sex? Not just the wank off to it daily kind. I'm talking about the difference between men in women in every single way. From the biological to the emotional. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop trying to understand its complexity and its affect on society. I bet you wouldn't guess that i have never read anything by Freud? I really should I've heard that he had a similar obsession. Or maybe Kinsey?
Either way i think I am going to turn my obsession into a hobby. Sure its pathetic sure it makes me into a creepy old guy but fuck it its what i am most into so why not learn more about it? Why not become an expert? How much more useless of a hobby could I come up with? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2008|08:31 pm] |
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So I am leaving IE behind. All the miraculous years we have spent together and it comes to this. Tear streaked I close that soft corner X button for the last time. Your gentle glow will fade away forever only ever glimpsed on another mans computer. That sad mistress that is your downfall has clenched me to her fiery bossom. Let our love song ring our and vibrate the very silicon that houses you. We shall drown out your sobs of hate and loathing and bring forward a new era, with only the occasional glance back into the gloomy past. |
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